‘De-Internalizing’ Misogyny

We all know what misogyny is. Simply speaking, it is the contempt or prejudice directed at women and girls. But there is something called internalized misogyny, and I believe that a good number of us are carrying it around.

Yes, it is the 21st century. A lot of us are feminists. We’re all educated, we read all the blogs there are, and we believe in equal rights and empowerment. And yet, there is a slight bit of misogyny that is buried deep within us all. It’s been there in me as well. And like a lot of things, this pandemic and the lockdown situation helped me reflect on it. Let me explain.

I have always been really, really girly. I loved Barbie dolls growing up, and I watched all the Disney Princess movies there were. I was obsessed with them! I loved bright colors, and I was a hardcore romantic. I was very reserved, perfectly sweet and polite, I never put a foot out of line, most people liked me, and I never was loud or mean. I was something of a nerd as well (I still am, actually). I loved reading books, and I would simply bury myself in them! I was utterly unathletic and deeply despised sports. I still do. I was something like Sansa Stark was in the beginning of Game of Thrones. Quite naïve also. But do you really need to be super, duper shrewd at that age?

But anyway, within my peer groups that was considered a bad thing. There was this culture in my school where if you happened to be a ‘tom-boy’, you know someone who watches football, is outgoing, hates anything remotely girly, curses a lot, wears a lot of dark colors, who is best friends with all the boys, and makes all the dirty jokes that you thought were absolutely revolting when you were 15, or simply didn’t get, was the ‘cool’ girl. That one girl who keeps saying she is so ‘different’, and that her tastes are just different from all the other girls. Yes, that girl was queen bee. She was just different. Better. Cooler. Edgier. Because she was one of the ‘guys’. I still remember a compliment back then was “She’s such a man!”

Do you love pink? Lame. Don’t you watch football? Lame. Do you cry easily? Lame. Don’t you know what this curse word means? Lame. And if you were naïve too, then you were awarded the title of ‘Dumb Blonde’. Hurray! Things considered traditionally feminine were simply looked down upon. And I internalized that so hard! I secretly hated the way I was, but I also simply could not pretend to be someone that I was not either.

This culture continued straight into university. In the hostel, in classrooms, and in clubs and organizations. If you were girly, you just were not cool enough. I remember in our first year, one of the girls who loved dressing up and wore a lot of make up scored the highest marks, and people were in utter disbelief. They almost acted like it was unfair. How dare someone be smart and so into her appearance at the same time? Sounds a bit far fetched? I kid you not! I actually heard this conversation happen once. I also remember this one group of girls who utterly hated me, because they thought I was bit too cheerful or something. Strange, right? That’s how deeply misguided and prejudiced a lot of us were. But again, I internalized that a bit more.

Have you noticed that in a lot of movies the ultra-feminine character is the bad guy, is very bitchy or simply very, very shallow and dumb? Regina George in Mean Girls. Sharpay Evans in High School Musical. Poo in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham. Heck, Devlin Adams in Just Go With It!

And in the smallest of ways, almost unconsciously, I started trying to get rid of those parts of myself. I don’t know when exactly I began doing that. I remember my first year of work, I made a whole lot of guy friends. And I hate to say this, but I subconsciously started trying to be that ‘cool’ girl. I was going to be that girl, because I had to prove myself. I am not even sure to whom. To myself? To this crazy world? To all those people who doubted me? Because, who knows what the heck being ‘cool’ is anyway?

I suppressed every ounce of femininity I had, because if they saw that part of me, would they still even like me? I was loud and just a little bit reckless. I showed no vulnerability. I would laugh at even the most obnoxious, disgusting things certain guys said. I started carrying myself differently. I even let them cross some boundaries at times by letting them say certain things to me that a few years ago I might have taken great offense to. I was friends with guys I wouldn’t normally approve of. I was ‘cool’ girl now. And that continued through my professional life. Not to say that there weren’t any decent guys around me, but I didn’t want to be thought of as uppity, fragile or stupid, because that would simply not do.

I was having a conversation about this with my best friend a few days back. We’d both gone through similar experiences, and we both agreed that a lot of girls do this. We suppress our femininity and our natural selves to be accepted more widely, because it’s been so deeply ingrained into our minds that traditionally feminine things are just bad. Uncool. Men (even the nice ones) do it subconsciously. Girliness is shallow and dumb. If you care about your appearance, you’re probably frivolous and stupid. Sensitivity, grace and gentleness have no value in this world, because being cold, aggressive and tough is the only way to survive. You’re cool if you can chug down a whole bottle of beer in one go. Because a simple cocktail or a glass of wine is too girly, just not edgy enough. You’re cool if you’re saying the dirtiest jokes at the table. You’re cool if you don’t mind that absolutely disgusting burp that one guy lets out at the table. Show one ounce of emotion, and you’re out. Millennials have internalized this so much, because of pop culture and our peer groups, that we carry this well into our adulthood. It’s okay if you like those things, but it shouldn’t be forced down people’s throats as the ideal. And no, it’s not benefitting men either. Because isn’t it a reflection of the toxicity that is prevalent in male peer groups?

We even think badly of women who chose to become home makers after marriage, or choose family over career. We automatically assume that they’re either lazy or stupid, conveniently forgetting that most of our mothers are homemakers. A homemaker takes care of everyone in the house, cooking the nutritious meals they eat, taking care of those that are sick, making sure the house stays clean, making sure the kids study and finish their homework, and a whole lot more. And there are no holidays. No lazy, unintelligent woman can do that.

I have been unlearning a lot of things during this pandemic, and this just happens to be one of them. It’s like being away from the ‘noise’, both literal and figurative, has really made me take a good, long, hard look at the way I have been perceiving things. I am letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be, and really embracing who I am. I have come full circle from being at home for so long. It’s a part of growing up, I suppose, and we’re all unlearning a lot of toxic ideas.

I mentioned Sansa Stark earlier. Not the most loved, but certainly one of the most underrated characters in Game of Thrones. She had the best character arc in my opinion. Yes, I relate to her. I do identify with a lot of her traits, but not enough. I wish I had had the strength to be true to myself despite everything, because Sansa always did. And she was endlessly graceful, kind and resilient despite everything that she had gone through. She was fierce, but in a gentle way. I wish to grow into that kind of grace, kindness and strength. Because, make no mistake, there is so, so, so much power in the feminine.